I wanted to die. I wanted to cease to exist. I was broken and hopeless and could not fathom there being an end to the pain. I was experiencing emotions of loss, betrayal, humiliation, and grief beyond anything I had ever experienced. I wasn’t suicidal, I had no plans to kill myself, I simply prayed God would take me home. I was done with this world and ready to be in his perfect kingdom.
I can’t say for sure when the feelings started or stopped, but I can tell you that they persisted for a few months several years back. Chances are, if you saw me, if you knew me in real life, you wouldn’t have known. In retrospect, I am certain I was clinically depressed, I knew I needed help, and yet I wasn’t able to get the help I needed while still performing the tasks necessary to continue functioning in this world. I chose survival over help.
I got up every day and went to work. I managed my household. I went out with friends. I even laughed. At times, I experienced genuine joy and happiness. And then I would crawl into bed at night and pray I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. When morning came, the cycle repeated. Some days were better than others.
I never talked about it. I’m sure I seemed more sad, frazzled, and impatient that I might normally be, but I doubt most people knew of the hopeless despair that I was struggling with if not daily, certainly persistently.
The detail of my circumstances are not relevant. Here are the things I want you to remember:
- Solid, Bible believing, faithful Christians can and do struggle with mental health issues.
- People who don’t normally struggle with mental health issues can find themselves in circumstances that lead to those issues.
- You may not recognize the signs in the people around you because on the surface they may seem okay.
During my lowest times, some of the most hurtful things that happened to add to my grief and pain came from the Christians in my life, and some of the greatest support came from non-Christians. This is not to say that the reverse is also not true, but I wanted to mention it, because it was particularly difficult at the time to sense that my emotional safety was more at risk in Christian environments than it was in “the world.” In all fairness, the vast majority of people I encounter on a daily basis at work and my kids school, on the weekends, in my friends circle, and even in my family are Christians. It was inevitable that some of them would do or say the “wrong” thing at some point. It was inevitable that being involved in a church, working for a Christian organization, and having my kids in a Christian school, that someone would not make a decision regarding the circumstances we were working through that would have made my circumstances more challenging. Of course those things happened. In the moment, I could not see past that added hurt. However, it was also my closest friends, Christians almost every one, who walked me through the struggle on a daily basis. Christians circled around me and picked up the slack. Christians were the hands and feet of Christ to me in my darkest days.
I am choosing to share this now for two reasons. First, I am removed enough from that painful time to feel ready to share my struggle in the hopes of helping others. Second, the holiday season can be extremely painful for many. Please think about those people in your life that might need to be rallied around a little this holiday season. You never know whose life you just might be saving. Be Christ to everyone.
