I heard on the radio the other day that the average couple will have 7 fights before the holiday season is over. This sparked a conversation between my son and I regarding how little my husband and I fight. While admittedly he wrongly assumed we just fought in secret, neither of us could recall a single argument in recent history. This is not to say that in the nearly 22 years of marriage we haven’t had months or even years where fighting was common, nor that we haven’t had a few screaming matches to rival European football fans. It’s just means that we aren’t there now. Presently, we are comfortable, not in the familiar routine but in the emotionally safe sense, and that makes all the difference.
Here are some examples of how we handle things:
I wanted a real tree. More specifically, I wanted an overpriced spruce, cut fresh in Vermont and shipped to my doorstep. Jay wanted an artificial tree made of carcinogens and assembled in a sweat shop in China. He reasoned it would save us money over the life of the tree while eliminating fire hazards and last minute trips to a tree lot. He kept sending me pictures of various trees. I caved and let him buy his slave made atrocity, but reminded him that a Christmas angel dies every time a fake tree is purchased. I also purchased a miniature tree stand for a single evergreen branch and set up a “tree” in the sunroom.
Jay wants a dog. He dreams of recreating the childhood bond he had with what was possibly the best dog in the world, or at least that’s what his memory tells him. I don’t. The last two times we had this argument I lost. None of our ventures into dog ownership has ever worked out. We aren’t dog people. This isn’t opinion, this is objective fact. Yet he looks up different dog breeds and shows me pictures as if we aren’t still suffering PTSD from all the whining of our last furry housemate. I send him listings for divorce lawyers. We don’t have a dog. The end.
Marriage is about picking your battles. It’s a give and take.
In all seriousness, compromise and picking your battles really is important. We’ve weathered so many storms in our marriage, that we’ve learned a few important things.
- We are on the same side.
- When push comes to shove, we have each other’s backs.
- We assume the best intention of one another.
- Most day-to-day issues just aren’t that important.
- Investing in “us” is always a worthwhile investment.
- If it matters more to them than it does to you, give in.
- Change the toilet paper roll.
Pretty much that’s it.
I hope these tips make you below average this holiday season.