Last weekend, we finally watched the movie Instant Family. I sobbed all the way through it. When I asked my husband what he thought, he said that he wanted to turn it off about half way through. Please don’t misunderstand, it’s not that he didn’t think it was a good movie, but like me, he related too closely to the story.
Our family wasn’t exactly an instant family. Our first child arrived in January 1999. Six months later we were expecting again. By April of 2000 we had a 15 month old and an infant. I hadn’t slept in a year and a half. (That would last for a solid 5 years, just for the record.) By September of 2000 we had added our third and oldest child who would come to us legally through the State. He was 15 going on 16. Days were filled with diapers and math tutors, court dates and stomach bugs. We enjoyed home inspections and counseling sessions for the oldest while making bottles and potty training the youngest.
Life was messy and hard. I felt helpless and drained and had no idea what I was doing. Our experience was different from the movie is so many ways yet similar enough to drag up emotions from a very deep place in my soul. We didn’t have a parent support group, our son didn’t come to us through a giant county fair, and were weren’t taking in a sibling group. We did have to rearrange our home. I did sob in my room at times as we tried to figure out how to parent a teenager who I don’t even know. We had a couple of ER visits, the cops visited our house, contraband items were discovered, and random drug tests were ordered. Teen pregnancy became an all too real part of our conversations while Jay and I were going out on a much needed date. Many days I was convinced I wasn’t equipped for the job. My patience was thin and the lies were think. We were short on both sleep and patience. We were not short on tough love, and he was not short on resilience.
This crazy life lasted only two and a half years, but it change who I was and the permanent dynamic of our home. After moving in and out of our home and running away, we kicked our newly minted eighteen year old out of our house. We placed conditions on his return. He either never wanted to come home, never felt he could meet the conditions, or was too afraid to ask, but he wouldn’t ever live under our roof again. Our relationship on the other hand continued, because family is forever. Adoption years later only made that bond legal. Losing him nearly three years ago was heartbreaking and even to this day seems surreal. I constantly feel the emptiness of his absence and watching Instant Family just made an opening for some of that grief to drain out.
I recognized that recent events and circumstances have created the perfect storm of grief and loss over my parents and my son. I have been holding on to other people’s pain as well, because that is something I just do. As a result, I was an emotional wreck all week. Those tears needed to be let out, so a few nights after watching the movie, they all came pouring out. With those tears come yet another piece of the healing.
I hope tons of people will watch Instant Family and chose to become foster parents. Don’t expect to get a caseworker like Octavia Spencer, that sure wasn’t our experience. I hope people will see the beautiful mess that comes with foster care and adoption. I pray for more open homes and greater resources for both birth and foster families. I hope people have realistic expectations and understand that not ever story has a happy ending, but every bit of love is worth investing in a child.
