Kate’s Journal (a white diary with duckling on the front held closed by a tiny gold lock)
November 18, 1983 (10 years old)
Kids are stupid!
These kids pushed me into the trash can in the classroom today. We were on our way to art, and I was at the back of the line. It didn’t take that long to get out, and I caught up with the rest of the class before the teacher noticed. The teacher never notices. I tried to laugh it off like I always do, but it makes me so mad. Why don’t the other kids like me? I hate being so small.
October 9, 1985 (12 years old)
I am pretty sure I will never ever be asked on a date. The school dance is this Friday, and really most of the kids don’t have dates, but it sure would be nice to be asked out. I want to be pretty, but at the same time I just hate the idea of wearing make-up and fixing my hair. Honestly, I’m afraid that even if I did all those things, I would still be an outcast. It’s easier not to try, because then I can at least blame something other than myself. I feel like one of those toys in the Rudolf movie. I’m not even sure I’d fit in on the Island of Misfit toys.
Kate’s Journal (black and white composition notebook covered in stickers of birds)
June 25, 1987 (almost 14 years old)
Mom says that no one makes it through Middle School unscathed, I don’t believe her for a moment. I have eyes. I saw all the smiling faces at the the 8th grade dance last week. I’m not stupid. No guy is going to want a flat chested, geeky girlfriend. At Graduation tonight, when the awards were handed out, the only thing remarkable about me was how unremarkable I am. Not smart. Not funny. Not pretty. Not popular. Not even the teacher’s pet. Invisible.
Actually, invisible would be preferable, because then at least I wouldn’t get picked on.
June 30, 1989 (almost 16 years old)
Something amazing happened today. I’m at this huge summer camp, rock concert thing that my mom made me go to. There are all these pastors and Christian bands. I went to one of the wooded amphitheaters to hear a guy speak. Amazing. He told me about how Jesus loved me and died for me and wanted to have a personal relationship with me. I prayed and asked Jesus in my heart. I just feel so amazing. The pastor said that we belong to Jesus, he created us, and he doesn’t make any mistakes. I really want to believe that.
Kate’s Diary on a yellow Smith Corona Word Processor Disc
February 4, 1991 (17 years old)
I thought about what it would be like to not be here anymore. I’m not suicidal or anything, I’m just tired. I’m tired of being on the outside watching everyone else get everything they want. Somehow I thought becoming a Christian would have made things better. I’d have purpose. I’d be more courageous, less shy. I could blame a lot of things for my social status, but the truth is that it’s my personality. It’s who I am that makes me such a loser. Jesus can’t fix that.
March 6, 1994 (20 years old)
Lonely. That is my word for how Freshman year in college is. Just for kicks, try to imagine a shy, non-drinker, conservative Christian girl at a frat party. Yeah, it’s not a great mix. That was last night. Tomorrow night will be Bible Study, and I must admit I don’t feel any more connected there. With so many options for groups on campus, if you can’t find one that feels like home, you have to conclude that the real problem is you.
Kate’s diary on IBM computer her husband built from parts
January 25, 1997 (23 years old)
My husband is amazing. I love saying husband. I have a husband. It’s only been 2 weeks so it’s still so surreal. I feel so loved and happy. Could anything be more perfect? Ah! It’s nice to finally feel like there’s a place I truly belong, and that’s in his arms. I don’t need anything. I hope this feeling lasts forever.
February 12, 1997 (23 years old)
I had no idea how selfish I was until I got married. I guess it’s good that I recognize that, but it’s not fun seeing your failures. Also, this married thing is harder than I thought. It’s FOREVER. No changing your mind. I really hope I didn’t just make a huge mistake.
August 13, 2000 (27 years old)
Pro-tip, if you really want to find validation for who you are, have kids.
Just kidding.
Becoming a mom introduced me to an entirely new way to feel like a failure. Who knew there could be so many ways to ruin the life of your toddler. Wrong sandwich, wrong video, wrong way to brush their hair, wrong way to breath. And don’t even get me on babies crying and postpartum depression. Exhaustion mingled with insecurity makes for some pretty dark thoughts. You know what always helps? Spending time around other moms. Nothing like comparing yourself to everyone else who seems to be doing it better than you are. UGH!
Kate’s Blog on Xanga Ilovewaterfowl.xanga.com
December 31, 2002 (29 years old)
Sometimes I feel alone in a room full of people. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. Good friends. But not community. I have a great husband who I only occasionally want to murder. I get to stay at home with my kids and homeschool them. But I don’t fit in with the church’s women’s ministry. I’m too loud and unfiltered. I always feel a little on guard. I’m never sure what people think of me, and relationships are hard work. I’m home with little people all day and my husband travels a lot. I need to get out of the house more, but I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’m failing at everything and everyone is doing life better than me.
Kate’s Myspace Post
July 9, 2007 (almost 34 years old)
First Monday night with a group of other ladies who homeschool. I don’t know several of them, but it’s time to let go of my fears. My husband is great, but he can’t be the only deep friendship I have. I’m going to invest in these relationships because I need community. Maybe friendships are build more than they are found. Maybe finding your people really means choosing to make the people around you the people you live life with. Here’s to being real and open and choosing to be vulnerable.
Kate’s Facebook Post
September 21, 2010 ( 37 years old)
I think as women, especially women immersed in a Christian community, we feel so ashamed of our failings that we feel this need to put on an image of perfection that is not real, to emulate this image of the Christian woman that just might not be who God made us to be. In the process of hiding our flaws, sins, and imperfections, we have actually held hostage the hearts of Christian women all over who see this airbrushed reality and feel inferior, because they cannot meet this impossible standard.
Kate’s WordPress Blog birdgirlgrownup.wordpress.com
June 30, 2015 (almost 42 years old)
Things have been hard lately. I’m so grateful for all of you who reached out and brought us meals and sent us cards. It was hard at first to accept help, but I’m glad I gave in. Thank you all. I have never felt so surrounded by the love of Jesus as I do when the Body of Christ reached out to walk with us in our struggle.
Kate’s WordPress Blog – birdgirlgrownup.wordpress.com
Today (almost 46 years old)
I wish I didn’t wait so long in my life to choose community. I spent so many years so worried about what everyone else thought about me. Now that I’m in my 40’s I have discovered so much freedom in being myself, speaking my mind, loving others. Girlfriends matter. I’m glad I chose to invest is a great group of women. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay. I’ve found my tribe. I’m investing in them and they’re investing in me. God didn’t make me to conform to this world. He made me to impact the world for him. We’re all wearing masks trying to pretend we fit in. By taking off my mask, I’m freeing other to do the same. We are all just aliens and strangers passing through this world. It sure is nice to have company for the journey.
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” – Dr. Seuss