If I had to describe my husband’s and my dating over the last few years, the word I would use is intentional. In many ways, our lives as parents of adult children who are independent in practical matters means our schedules are our own. We aren’t comparing calendars and planning carpool schedules, school activities, work events, and family get-togethers, leaving time with each other for what is left over. Because we enjoy each other’s company, we mostly spend our evenings together, dinner for two, hanging out in the living room afterward, working on our own hobbies side-by-side, and chatting with each other intermittently. We have our weekends open, outside of church, together. We don’t necessarily need dates in the same way that we did when our relationship and mental health demanded some adult time alone. So why?
First, our kids still live at home. With three grown children each with a different work/school schedule there is literally no time when my husband and I are home without one or more of our offspring home. One works early mornings, one has a more 9-5 school schedule, one works evenings. Days can go by without me setting eyes on my boys. But not seeing them and them not being there are very different things. My husband and I plan outings for privacy.
Second, for so many years, we didn’t have a lot of free money. The budget was tight. Now, with the kids taking on more of their bills, and we are coming to the end of our years of college savings, we have a little more fun money that we’d like to be able to enjoy. Also, it is way cheaper to eat out, go to the movies or theater, get admission to a museum, etc for two people than it is for a family of six. Also, parenting is hard, and making it this far should be celebrated often and for the rest of our lives.
Finally, we aren’t getting any younger. There is a lot of world to see, things to try, and food to eat. I want to live my life while I’m young enough to enjoy it. My joints ache and my body tires out more quickly. What will it be like in a decade or two? I want to use my time wisely.
So how do we do make our dating intentional? We use an app, and we have created the expectation that unless we have other plans, we will do something together every weekend.
My husband and I have a shared note app where we enter ideas. The categories include places to eat, places to hike/bike, short activities, day trips, weekend getaways, and vacations. Whenever we hear about a new restaurant or see an advertisement for a cool festival, read about an amazing vacation spot, we add it to the app.
Restaurants:
My husband is more of an eat at the same restaurant all the time time kind of person and I’m more of a “Why eat at the same place twice when there are so many places we haven’t tried” kind of girl. We compromise. So we eat at all the different places. Just kidding. We eat out more often these days, so we do have some regulars. For instance, probably at least once a month we walk to a local bagel place for breakfast. (Breakfast out is cheaper than lunch or dinner, so it works well.) Our kids are usually still sleeping, so there isn’t any guilt about leaving them out of our plans. It’s exercise and we support a local small business. Also, we found a small restaurant that we enjoyed nearby. We went back with friends. It’s one of three owned by the same people, so we tried a different one when we were in that area. It works as a great compromise. And the rest of the time we try new places, because a happy wife. When we decide to eat out, we don’t just fall back on the same old thing, because we have a restaurant to-try list.
Outings:
Outings can still be expensive even for two people, so we do a few more pricey things from time to time, but we aim for cheaper activities. When I hurt my wrist, we made plans to try a new breakfast place but we coordinated it with errands (my husband was taking papers to the local shred day and we needed groceries, but I was hesitant to lift them myself). Errands can be dates. Back in our poor, college days one of our best dates was walking around Home Depot dreaming about how we’d decorate the house we’d one day own. (Note: My husband is less interested in errand dates, but adding a meal in can make him more amenable.)
Day trips:
We also trade out who is going to enjoy something more. Over spring break (for me), we went to Baltimore for the day. I wanted to see a traveling art exhibit that I didn’t suspect my husband would love. I looked around and we decided to tour Fort McHenry (before our National Park Pass expired), visit the art exhibit(Outstanding!), went for a walk to get lunch, wandered around a park, got coffee, and then went to a distillery for whisky tasting. (I hate whiskey, but compromise.)
Travel:
I am the dreamer. I want to travel all over and see everything. My husband reminds me that we don’t have millions of dollars. I dream and plan, he cuts things back to reality, I push the limit and go over the allotted budget, and BAM! vacations and weekend getaways that are amazing.
Benefits of the app:
The shared note helps us to see what the other person is interested in doing, reminds our old brains of things we wanted to do but forgot about and also acts as a record of things we’ve done worth trying again or just remember the good times. For example, we went to K’far in Philly and got the lemon cheesecake babka muffin. It was the best thing I have ever eaten. I marked it to go again. They don’t have them on the menu anymore and my will to live just waned a little. Will I check obsessively in hopes they will return to the menu? Yes. When they do will I concoct a reason to go into the city for them? Yes again.
In summary:
Shared note app for planning purpose to help with intentionality.
Dating when your kids are grown: You’ve earned it, and now you can afford it.
