I’m used to being asked what I want for Mother’s Day. Typically, I don’t have an answer. I suspect this is true for many mothers. Most of us really mean it when we say, “I don’t care,” “Surprise me,” or “I don’t know.”
Motherhood is too complex to celebrate in a single day and too wonderful to need any additional celebrating. Motherhood is the greatest joy and the deepest pain with laughter and love and suffering on an infinite loop that sometimes leans towards joy and sometimes towards sorrow. Motherhood goes on even when you lose a child, and it goes on even when your children lose you.
Inside my mind I have a jumble of mixed emotions, desires, and expectations. Some are experience based, others are self protective. On Mother’s Day, I am acutely aware of having lost my mother and my son. I am both grateful for my growing children and missing the littles who were once anxious to celebrate Mother’s Day. My kids have moved beyond the intentionally aloof phase (praise Jesus!) and are moving into the independent adult phase.They have more autonomy over how they chose to celebrate with me on Mother’s Day. To be honest for decades, I have mentally set the bar very low for Mother’s Day in order to increase the probability of having my expectations met or exceeded. It sounds terrible to say and adds guilt on top of grief. It feels as if having expectations for the day feels as if I am demanding of praise, whereas intentionally setting the bar low is just a backwards way of the same thing.
What I really want is to feel loved and appreciated by my husband and kids not just on one day of obligation, but in general. What does that look like? I don’t know.
I want heart felt words of affirmation, so silence is the worst. Also, I love humor. Do I want my big kids to send me funny memes? Of course. Hugs, smiles, well wishes? Yes to all of that. So on Mother’s Day, kicking that up a notch is great, but please don’t save it all for one day.
I don’t mind making gift suggestions, but I love the idea of my family thinking of something special because they know me and what I like. I also don’t want my kids to feel a need to spend their limited funds on a gift for me. The thought really is what counts, and sometimes that sentiment has been the cause of some of my hurts.
I like the idea of spending time with my family. I want them to want to be with me. I like a shared meal, laughter and just being together. Yet I also like the idea of being given a touch of respite. Sometimes we need to vacate our life for a bit.
I expect to have work to do both for my home and my job, but it sure would be nice to have a day where I had no responsibilities. Unfortunately, that means I need to work harder before and after the day, and somehow that just feels like I’m setting myself up for disappointment, frustration, or a very grumpy Saturday.
Will I feel loved on Mother’s Day? Most likely. Will I cry? Possibly. Will I be relieved when the day is over? Probably. Does any of this mean I am not grateful for my three children or my husband? Not at all. Mother’s Day is sometimes hard for me because motherhood is sometimes hard.
What do I want tomorrow?
Do I want to go on a family outing or sit at home? I honestly don’t know.
Do I want flowers or BBQ or chick flicks or a hike.? Do I want the dishes washed or a day free of sibling squabbles? Probably any of those things would be great if they are motivated by love rather than obligation. I don’t need much. Anything you can wrap up in a box is insignificant compared to what I really yearn for: validation.
I want to be loved by my family because my entire life is wrapped up in loving them. I want to know that I did a good job raising my kids. I want to know that they felt loved, protected, and valued. Unfortunately, that can’t be given or received one day a year in a Hallmark card.
